After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
