Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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