Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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