I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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