I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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