I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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