That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
