He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
