Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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