wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
