Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Are we still banned from the library?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
