how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
