I'm lost and stupid without you.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
