she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
