I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
