Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
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