why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
