Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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