Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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