we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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