So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
