i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
