Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize