If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
