I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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