what day is it and did you see me today?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
