can u get pink eye on your cock?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
