That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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