You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
