Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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