i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We're too hungover to prance.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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