I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
