she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
