somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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