I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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