I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
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I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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