I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
