Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
