Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
