So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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