Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
