mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
