I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
