You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
