so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
