I could make wine with my vomit
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's blow job season.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
