i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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