That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
