Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
