my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My ATM looks so different sober.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
