today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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