I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize