Already got asked if we're dating
your room smells of hookers.
And success
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
