someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize