Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize
