what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
