I just made out with a guy for $7.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
