We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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